Splash!

A few weeks ago I signed Jack up for swim lessons. At the time, I decided I wanted to get a one piece bathing suit. I didn't want to show up to the pool and be "that mom". You know the kind, the one that everyone is staring at because they stand out, and not in the cool way, but in the wow, what a weird woman way? I mean, I'm socially challenged enough as it is, and I was concerned that being covered in tattoos (believe me, I have more then you think!) and wearing a bikini would look pretty tacky at my son's swim lessons, so I thought that I could class it up a bit by getting a nice one piece.

So, about 2 weeks ago I started looking for a one piece. My first stop was to Walmart (which I am now boycotting because they accused me of trying to steal a chapstick by using a "fake" coupon. The coupon wasn't fake, I won it from Burt's Bees. In fact, my sister-in-law won one, too! If I was going to steal a chapstick, I wouldn't have made a fake coupon, I would have stuck it in my purse! So now I'm bitter and refusing to shop there.) I figured since I was only going to be wearing the one piece for a month, I would get a cheap one. Well, Walmart had ugly ones and so I headed over to Target. Target had gorgeous one pieces, but all of them were at least 5 sizes too big for me. Looks like all the skinny girls beat me to it. Then I went to Sears which had horrible choices, and I even looked at the ones in Costco but since I couldn't try them on, it was a failed mission. I found a gorgeous one piece online, but it was $120, and my budget was 1/4 of that. So last night I decided I would rock the bikini but wear my board shorts with it so I was covered up some more.

This morning comes and I get Jack all ready in his swim duds (by the way, raisons and toddlers do not mix. I won't go into details, but lets just say I was dry heaving from his diaper this morning). I get my bikini on and look in the mirror. Who is that girl and what has she done with my size 0 body? Because the girl in the mirror was no size 0! I mean, I haven't worn a bikini in a looooong time, so I didn't factor in my butt and hips being so large. I grab my board shorts to put over my chunkyness, and guess what... I can't even get them over my thighs! I almost cried. There I was laying on the floor sucking in my muffin top stomach trying to get those bad boys on. Since that didn't happen and we needed to leave, I just decided that I was going to rock my bikini and tattooed body. I mean, it's 9:30am on a Tuesday, who would be at the pool?

I'll tell you who was at the pool: Everyone and their mother! I have never seen this place so crowded before. Great! And since we're a few minutes early, we can't go into the pool yet because the other swim classes are still going on. So, Jack has a nice little melt down. Finally the other class ends and we can go in. Holy cow, did you know I have a dolphin for a baby? Jack is an awesome swimmer! He loved the pool so much. He swam on his back, was the first to go under water, and had a wonderful time. The teacher thought Jack was so cute because he was giving her the stink eye and glaring at her whenever she would talk. She just kept saying, "I love you Jack! I love it when you glare at me! It's so cute!" What?! If some kid glared at me, I'd glare right back! I wouldn't think it's cute! His teacher is totally awesome though. Anyway, Jack is amazing in the pool and Michael Phelps better check himself before he wrecks himself if ya know what I'm sayin' (and if you don't know what I'm sayin', it's because I'm socially challenged and it's not you.)

40 minutes breeze by and class is over so it's time to get out and go home (they need the pools for the next class so we can't just sit and play). Jack, however, isn't ready to leave. So I scoop Babycakes up and take him out of the pool. He then begins screaming "NOOOOO!" at me and throws himself on the cement sprawled out on the floor so no one can get past him to go to the locker room or outside. A mom comes up to me and says, "It's ok, it happens once to all of us!" Once? ONCE!? Are you freaking kidding me, lady? This happens to me on a daily basis! I'd love for it to be a one time thing! Crazy woman! So I pick Jack up and carry him off to the locker room. He is having a fit in there hitting me and so I snapped. I grabbed our bag in hand, grabbed him in the other, and I walked all the way to my car in my bikini with everyone staring at me and you know what? I didn't even care. I was so over the whole "getting punched in the face" thing and just wanted to go home.

So I get Jack in the car and we come home. We go inside and I go to my room and lay in the bed because I need to calm down. Jack walks in holding his blue bunny, climbs in bed, and cuddles me. Now how can I stay frustrated with him when he gets all cute like that? I am a sucker for that kid.